How do you tackle relationships based on 'one sided commitment'
For that's how it always is. No matter how much one keeps loving and giving, he only takes and hurts....keeps hurting till I cannot take it any more.... so what do I do...? Coz even giving keeps getting tougher, but loving may be optional.
He has a nasty fall one day. I drive him to the hospital as he is in pain. xray at the hospital shows a fractured portion in his spine; he is admitted in the hospital......for further course of medical attention required. I sign up forms (for hospital admittance) that I am his relative (wife), and will be there at all times. Our kids are away in far western countries. Investigations begin....I am hanging by a string of hope, unrelenting to my worst fears. Things are getting a little bumby as far as diagnosis, medication, and clinical examinations are concerned. But what happens to the realtionship. He screams at me, to get out of the hospital as he wont have me around, for no apparent reason except that he has had a fall not me. Perhaps it hurts him to know that I am not bedridden, or hurt. The screaming lasts well into the night, when I cant take it any more. So I tell him to shut up....and if he goes on any more, I would call up our children and his sister in far off countries and let them know about his unbearable behaviour; and then jump down the 10th floor of hospital building. 'I dont care what hapens after that...' I tell him. That does the trick, and then there is silence. But I cant sleep.....introspection begins...! I am sleeping on a tiny bed near the window, and the wide window sill is a couple of inches away from my bed. Just unbolting the window sill, and rolling on to it would be enough to end my life....the thought sends a shudder down my spine...... I worry about my thoughts. What worries me most is the introspection that at some point I actually felt being invited by the window sill and it's proximity to me....!
I am not able to understand my feeings...!
Friday, October 17, 2008
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Actually this a sequel to this post by the author herself. It's been weeks for the hospital incident......! Treatments, torments, doubts about healing, medications, rehabs and second,third opinions continue. The misunderstood relationship is undergoing undulations of quite another type. We are home - the journey to home was turbulant entailing a ride in an amulance, transfers on stretcher, bed, and home bed. I continue my relentless services of feeding all 3 meals, adjusting bed, a.c cooling, medication management, psychological treatment - everything that a nurse cum wife can do. Have the feelings changed I wonder...! perhaps there ARE moments when they have. In all fairness I must acknowledge thos moments. But my fear is that the moments are far between, and may revert to previuos levels. In any case I want the full deal or not all. I can continue my current role irrespective; and for as long as it is required....! How long does one survive such relationships I have no clue. But I will see for myself first hand, as things keep going.! until then it's a journey of relationships mis/understood...!
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